


Contingency Plans

by Nicnac



Series: The Friendship Plan [4]
Category: Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Smallville
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-28
Updated: 2013-02-28
Packaged: 2017-12-03 21:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/702688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicnac/pseuds/Nicnac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex, at something of loose ends since he and Clark became friends again, gets himself a new archnemesis</p>
            </blockquote>





	Contingency Plans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Josephina X (josephina_x)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/josephina_x/gifts).



There were a lot of good things about being friends with Clark again. Really, the friendship in itself was priceless, but it was hard to say no to not having the Justice League constantly breathing down his neck, his much improved relationship with his son – Conner had, when asked, revealed that he had been aware that Clark and Lex were friends the whole time, quote, “duh,” and wouldn’t have gone on the all-expenses paid trip to Australia otherwise – and of course Lara wouldn’t even exist had Lex not embarked on this mission. So, no matter what else, the effort had been worth it.

But, like with anything, there still was that ‘what else.’ You would think that with all the saving people from natural disasters and crazed gunman and the like, Clark wouldn’t have time to pester Lex about zoning violations, and you would be wrong. Also, spending more time with Clark meant spending more time with Lois too, and while Lex did like her _better_ now that she wasn’t constantly assuming the worst of him, he still didn’t actually _like_ her. And then there was the biggest problem of all.

Lex no longer had an archnemesis.

“I don’t understand why you even _need_ an archnemesis now,” Conner said, thoughtlessly moving a checker piece. They had been playing chess, but after Lara had gone down for her nap, Conner had insisted on switching to a game that was more his speed, at least until Lara was awake and could help him again. “I mean, you’re not really a supervillain anymore, but you’re not a superhero either.  I guess I don’t really get the point is all.”

“Sometimes you do things for themselves, not because there’s an end goal to it,” Lex told him, hoping that Conner was listening, because that had been a hard earned lesson right there.

“I guess,” Conner said, full of teenaged skepticism. “So, if all you need is an archnemesis, and you don’t really care what you’re archnemesis-ing about, the best thing would probably to figure out why you and Clark-Dad became nemeses and go from there.”

Lex spent more effort deciding on deciding his next move than anywhere near necessary, to put off having to reply. “That sounds logical,” he finally allowed, though truthfully he was hoping that the second time around getting an archnemesis would require less time and effort than the first. And then there was-

“So why did the two of you become nemeses in the first place?”

-that.

“There’s no one reason; it was more the culmination of a lot of little things,” Lex told him, partially because it was true and partially because he didn’t think there was a way to tell your teenaged son that you as a twenty-something year old heterosexual male had kind of a crush, one that you’re now fairly certain had been reciprocated, on said teenaged son’s other parent, a high school student who was also a heterosexual male (well, probably, though Lex was reserving the right to make a final judgment on Clark’s gender until after he had gotten his hands on samples of Kryptonian gametes from both sexes), which meant the both of you took things a lot more personally than you might have otherwise. At least, Lex couldn’t think of a way of doing it without raising unrealistic hopes and expectations; he had no desired to be parent trapped, thank you very much.

“That’s not particularly helpful,” Conner said, wrinkling his nose.

“Real life is messy,” replied Lex, massively understating the situation, considering all the things that went on in their lives. “My plan was actually to find someone I already dislike and just elevate the level of conflict.”

Conner nodded. “That would probably be easier. So who were you thinking, Oliver Queen?” Lex suppressed a shudder of revulsion at the thought, distracting himself enough that he allowed Conner to jump three of his pieces. “So I’m guessing that’s a no,” Conner said after he finished celebrating in victory.

“I’m not looking to spend any more time with Queen than I already am,” Lex agreed. “Besides, you said yourself that I’m not a supervillain anymore” – Lex was of the very firm opinion that he had never been one in the first place, but he was also of the equally firm opinion that it wasn’t worth it to argue about it at this point – “so I can’t have a superhero, and I use that term lightly, as my nemesis.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Conner said, shaking his head dismissively, “because _Oliver Queen_ would be your archnemesis, not _Green Arrow_.” That sounded a little too dissociative to be entirely healthy, but as long as Clark and Conner (and Lara if she decided to go into the superhero thing when she got older, though Lex really didn’t like the thought of his baby girl flying herself into trouble like that) stayed mentally balanced, Lex couldn’t give a fuck about any of the other heroes’ mental wellbeing. “But you don’t want him anyway, so who else annoys you?”

“A lot of people,” snarked Mercy from the chair she was lounging in across the room.

Lex shot her a quick glare to let her know that her help was _not_ appreciated, before conceding, “And that’s one of the main issues I’m having.”

“Well, it can’t be someone who works for you,” Conner said. “Because then the relationship is too unbalanced, you know?"

Lex didn’t want to say that that would eliminate a lot of people because it made it sound like everyone working for him was incompetent, but…

“It’s okay, Dad,” Conner said, either consolingly or sarcastically, it was so hard to tell with teenagers, “you just have high standards is all.” Mercy snickered a little, and oh she _so_ wasn’t getting her brownie break today. “As for people who annoy you… Oh! What about your plan books?”

“My plan books?” Lex repeated. He wasn’t really sure what his continued efforts to make sure he was being a good friend, father, and family member had to do with finding himself an archnemesis.

“Yeah,” Conner enthused. “I mean, you’re always complaining that your plans are falling through right, and sometimes it’s just because, but sometimes it’s because someone messed them up. So I bet if you go through them you can find someone who messed with a bunch of your plans, and that person could be your archnemesis.”

“That,” Lex said with a grin, “is a very good idea.”

*~*~*

“Mr. Luthor, I do wish you’d stop doing this,” said one Herbert George Wells, getting down off his time machine, which had conveniently landed right next to Lex’s much more stylish time machine.

“How good of you to join us, Mr. Wells,” Lex said with glacially cold smile. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I called you here today.”

“Called me? I’m here because you’re about to go mucking up the time stream again,” said Wells.

“Of course,” said Lex, reminding himself once again not to expect H. G. Wells to be smart just because he was a famous author. “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve had enough of you interfering in my plans.”

“I’m not trying to interfere, but you have to understand that it’s my job to make sure the time stream keeps running smoothly and the way it’s supposed to.”

“So you claim.” Lex had yet to verify that Wells’ talks of time police wasn’t just a load, since Wells destroyed any attempt that Lex made at time travel, and Kara had taken Clark’s Legion ring so she could move to the 31st century – apparently everyone and their mothers (though what Moira was doing time traveling at all, much less so recently after coming out of a full catatonic state was another question entirely, one that Chloe had yet to give anyone a straight answer to) were allowed to time travel and even settle down in any when of their choosing _except_ Lex. “But you have yet to offer any sort of proof of all that you are who you say you are,” Lex continued, “or that this utopian future created by Superman and his heirs actually exists.” Not that he had doubts about the latter; after all, Superman’s heirs, his _only_ heirs unless Lois got desperate enough for her own biological children that she was willing to ask Lex for help making her and Clark some kids, were also Lex’s heirs. And Lex had always known his kids were destined for greatness.

“I do understand that, but I’m not sure what else I can do to prove the truth to you. That is, aside from taking you to the future to show you in person, but I can’t do that because bringing you through time in any way but the normal one would be hazardous to the timeline. You seem to have a habit of mucking things up,” Wells said.

“Oh, please, don’t hold back on my account,” Lex said.

“I’m terribly sorry, but-“

“No, I mean it,” Lex clarified. “Archnemeses are supposed to say horrible things about one another. And since the position for my archnemesis just opened up… Congratulations.” Conner had been somewhat against this aspect of the plan, thinking that archnemeses, much like friends, were the sort of things that just happened, not that you declared, but Lex had already done that with Clark. He had had to deal with the ‘are we friends now or enemies’ thing coming both ways and he didn’t want to put up with that shit again. It was so much easier this way.

“I can’t be your archenemy,” Wells said, seeming a bit flustered at the thought.

“Arch _nemesis_ , and excuse me?” One didn’t simply turn down a person’s offer to be archnemeses, if for no other reason than it was incredibly rude, which is exactly the kind of thing one would expect from their archnemesis and then you just got caught up in a catch-22.

“You already have an archnemesis, or you will have one soon,” Wells explained patiently. “Superman.”

“You’re a bit behind on the times,” Lex said. One of the hazards of being a time traveler, he supposed. “Clark and I are friends again.”

“ _Friends_? Oh no, that _can’t_ be right,” Wells said, appearing to be talking more to himself than Lex or Mercy who was, as always, standing off to the side, at full attention at the moment, since Lex’s archnemesis _was_ in the room. “And you know his secret identity? No that can’t be right at all.” Wells continued to mutter to himself as he got back on his time machine and traveled off to times unknown.

Lex, after taking a few seconds to process what the fuck had just happened, finally said, “Well, my archnemesis has been run off and my time machine is still intact, so I win this round.”

“Uh-huh,” Mercy said in the carefully neutral tone that meant she was being deeply sarcastic. “So when are you going to go first to destroy the time line and your children’s utopian future?”

Lex opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. Closed it again. Stalked off.

“Fucking H. G. Wells.”


End file.
